Why It’s Scary to Say 'I Love You'

People have been avoiding saying “I Love You” to the man/woman of their dreams for eons. Many start to stammer when attempting to profess their undying devotion, doing everything feasible to avoid the sound emanating from their lips.

These words can make or break a relationship; be utilized too much or not enough; bring couples closer together or farther apart; be misinterpreted; signify the difference between moving to a deeper level and remaining stagnant; be the beginning or end all of intimate unions; heal wounds or cause friction and create animosity; be more dangerous than a loaded gun, i.e. if not used properly, produce damaging effects.

The big three are the only combination of words in the English or any language that carry an enormous amount of credence and import. They have so much command that just the thought of speaking them can cause extensive anxiety and apprehension. You may even find yourself tongue tied or breaking out in a sweat.

How do you obtain the strength and nerve to tell that special someone the extent to which they matter? Are you of the caliber who stand on ceremony waiting for him/her to be the first to broach the subject?

Do you cringe and finch when you hear the words, at a loss regarding an answer? Do you nearly faint or begin hyperventilating? Are you in such shock that you reply with a non sequitur remark, e.g. “where would you like to go for dinner?”

Why is it easier to voice the idiom ‘love you’ flippantly when parting ways or finishing a phone conversation with a mere acquaintance? A myriad verbalize these two words freely and without intensity. Is it uncomplicated just because the “I” is missing?

When it comes to adding the first person, it gets tricky. The basic letter “I” denotes accountability, acknowledgement, admitting, and conceding that you have an exclusive regard.  You are in essence, owning up to your lover’s relevance, influence, and stimulus.

How can you take the onus off these three potent words and be relieved of the terror that’s been associated with them for an eternity?

Those who can’t handle saying the actual words often resort to substitute renditions, e.g. ‘1-4-3’ (the amount of letters in each word).

A number beat around the bush, conjuring up all sorts of derivatives, e.g. ‘honey pie,’ ‘lover boy/girl,’ ‘sweetie,’ ‘sugar.’ They’re continually searching for alternate terms of endearment that are equally tender, exclusive, and private. 

For a majority, the big 3 connotes commitment, financial responsibility, marriage, babies, and therefore, are only uttered after definitively poised for a sincere, long lasting involvement.

Frequently, a multitude of disappointments and rejections are evoked. For those in this category, it’s understandable if you recoil when these words are pronounced.

A main concern is fear of rejection, that the other party will not return the affection. Conversely, you may not want to be obligated if you’re not sure he/she is ‘the one.’ You might choose to refrain from making empty promises until you’re confident this is your happily ever after.

Scores of singles think the phrase has become automatic, rendering it unbelievable. They complain of hearing or stating the words ad infinitum, compelling a tuning out. They’re numb to their worth, no longer taking them literally. 

This faction claims scenarios of mixed messages and subsequent behavior reflecting opposite attitudes. It’s reminiscent of the story about the parent telling the child, “Come here, I love you,” and when the child approaches, he/she gets whacked.

The group reasons that talk is cheap. They recognize it’s less complicated to say the words than to make the effort to demonstrate their implication, thus proving the words by themselves are basically shallow, null, and void.

Numerous men and women are offended and saddened if the big three haven’t been imparted after years of intimate bonding. They may initiate an ultimatum based on their omission. Take into account that more likely than not, this is about the individual’s history/herstory.

To grasp the fervor of these words, it behooves you to delve into particular childhood trauma encircling them. Were they exploited inappropriately in a controlling manner? Were they followed by abusive behavior, either physically, sexually, emotionally, or psychologically?

If the words were rarely uttered while growing up, you may be desperate for their declaration, to the point of enduring humiliation and degradation in hopes of finally being told, “I love you.”

Correspondingly, if they were habitual, routine, or linked with hurtful comportment, chances are pronouncements of love will not be forthcoming.

Saying "I Love You" is uniformly one of the most difficult lines to cross, especially if you character is exemplified by honor, integrity, and reliability. It can be risky to reveal profound language to another who might not feel the same. A premature revelation may backfire, leaving you in the lurch.

Nevertheless, it’s certainly a thrill when the instant is right. Divulging this precious mix of words can be a monumental occasion. You may throw the words out in a spur of the moment or in the heat of lust, but for the masses, the big three represents entering a new stage of relating.

Deciding to express these sacred words can transport you into the realm of absolutes. You’ll indubitably progress beyond casual and familiar to seriousness and genuineness, evolving to the ultimate arrangement of monogamy.

The solution to this age old dilemma resides in the maxim: Actions Speak Louder Than Words. It’s the perception of feeling loved that counts, not how regularly you exchange verbal representations. Deeds that display your adoration, admiration, appreciation, and dedication have the most value and carry the most weight.

Love is caring conduct. Treating your significant other with respect has the highest bearing, further than conceding the big three.  Disarming gestures, e.g. taking out the garbage, cleaning the bathroom, cooking a meal, picking up the kids from school without asking or strings attached, make an extremely winning impression. Random acts of kindness are guaranteed to illicit a permanently positive effect upon your romantic ties.  

However, putting requisites on saying “I Love You” defeats the whole purpose, diminishing the phrase’s value. This includes covert conditions, e.g. I’m telling you ‘I Love You’ so you’ll reiterate it back to me; so we can have sex every day; so I can hang with my friends at a bar all night and you won’t get angry.

If you become frozen in terror to deliver the words, depict them in a song, poem, email, or text message. Although typically intimidating, face to face communication presents the optimum gusto and pizzazz.  

Consider the spiritual definition discussed in Harville Hendrix’s book, ‘A Conscious Person’s Guide to Relationships.’ His unique interpretation suggests that ‘I Love You’ means when I’m with you, I’m in touch with the loving, capable, talented, gifted, accomplished, skillful, beautiful, sensitive, sensual, and best parts of me.’ 

The key words here are ‘I’m’ and ‘me,’ representing the personal experience you have on your own. You can revel in the fact that this ideal match has allowed you to be vulnerable on an inspirational level. Opting to impart that to a paramour you trust and are comfortable with, is icing on the cake.  

Recognizing it’s more about you than your mate may make it less daunting to expose yourself. No one can take away your amorous sensations. Whether he/she responds favorably isn’t a concern. You’re simply baring your soul in the moment.

The reaction isn’t as vital when you recognize it’s about sharing who you are in your innermost recesses. With this in mind, you’re less likely to focus on your sweetheart’s retort. If you’re on similar wavelengths, it’s a bonus. If not, nothing is lost. You’ve gained an opportunity to practice affirming the depth of your passion. 

Don’t be the partner who regrets not having said “I Love You,” triggering the dissolving of a charming, captivating connection due to lack of valor. Articulating these three magic words opens doors to an enchanting universe. This is a year of change. Take that leap of faith.

Single Slogan for Today: I have the necessary courage to engage in a heart-to-heart, in the flesh, with someone near and dear to me. I will disclose how grateful I am for their presence in my life. I select my words wisely and assuredly. I’m prepared to intuitively and instinctively avow my ardor and zeal with clarity and conviction.

Celebrate Valentine’s Day this Saturday, February 11th, 7:30-11:30pm, by attending the annual Stephen Wise Temple Sweetheart’s Ball, Hershenson Hall, 15500 Stephen S. Wise Dr., LA 90077. No reservations needed. Pay at the door. Members: $20, Guests: $25. All are welcome. Over 150 expected. Ages 49 plus.

Dance to live music by The Donald Dean Band, playing hits of the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s; Mingle with mixers, ice breakers, and dance hosts; Dine on baked chicken, rice, veggies, fresh cut fruit, tossed salad, cake, and ice cream. The Beverage Bar serves wine, beer, soft drinks, coffee, and tea. More info at 310-204-1240 or johnseeman@aol.com.

For the younger crowd, don’t miss the 12th Annual Valentine’s Day Extravaganza, Sunday February 12th, 6:30pm-11:30pm, at the Mark for Events, 9320 W. Pico Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90035. It’s the biggest bash of the year with 200-300 Professional Singles, Ages 30’s-50’s, gathering for friendship, dating, and enjoyment.

Undoubtedly the best party this side of the Mississippi, you’ll find the quantity and quality essential to meet your soul mate, evidenced by good looking, classy, sophisticated singles.

Hosts, Renee Piane, (the Love Designer & President of Rapid Dating) and Julie Ferman from Cupids Coach (voted #1 matchmaker of the year and featured in this column’s article “Matchmaker Matchmaker Make Me A Match,” July, 2011) know how to throw a soiree. You’ll have a blast with lots of ways to interact during the evening at a venue packed to the brim with possibilities.

Healthy Light Appetizers 6:30-8 p.m.; Wine & Love Potion Drink Specials; Fun Rapid Mixer Dancing with a Fantastic DJ; Great Raffle Prizes; Free Photos from Cupids Coach; Tarot Readings; Massage; Upscale Valentines Attire.

This event benefits The American Heart Association (in honor of Renee’s Mother). Get exposure for your business! If you have services or gift certificates to donate for the raffles, bring them with you or send an e-mail to renee@reneepiane.com!

Advance tickets online at www.reneepiane.com/rapid_dating/rapid_dating_events.html $25 for one/$45 for two. $35.00 cash at the door/bring a friend and save $5.00.