Diary of a Former NFL Cheerleader...When Fear Sets In...

FEAR- A friend on Facebook, Adam Lawson wrote this amazing statement this week.

 "When you align yourself with a destructive force, you become the target of their own self-loathing.  Your fear of being alone is perpetuated by your choices of ultimate compromise. These choices only prove to isolate you from those who deeply long to validate your real self-worth.  Thus, making you even more alone. But when you finally find the strength to take the terrifying risk of aloneness, you will realize how truly not alone you really are. And when you do this, although it may not be immediate, soon a waterfall of pride and self love will cascade down upon you and all those who truly love you.  It is then that not only will you begin to see the tunnel, but you will also see a glimmer of light."  

What are your fears?  

This statement actually rang true to what has been happening to me lately.  I have had a defining year and a half.  One that can keep you in fear for a lifetime or free you. I lost that one person I never thought I could live without.  Everyone has "that one", mine was my Mother who died suddenly leaving my world upside down.  My Dog of 15 years died, my cat of 21 years died, I had to move my Father here and put him in a home, I filed for divorce and my partner in life for 21 years hates me. On top of all of this my only child blames me. 

But I had to go thru all of it to learn about fear. I was jolted into reality. I have a paralizing fear of being alone and nothing makes you face it more than a death of a parent. That one person who would always be there is gone and you have to go it alone. 

My marriage was over long ago, but I was to afraid to face it, it took more guts to leave than to stay.  My glimmer of hope was when I finally let go, I met the man of my dreams.  He is sometimes to good to be true and I have to pinch myself to make sure he is real.  In the midst of all the bad things happening to me is this blessing. Because of him, and my child I can actually get up and face the day.

I was going down that path of self loathing and compromise but now I am facing the fear.  I am scared but I have the strongest person to look up to! My Mother, Kathleen Baranik rose to being one of the first female bank Presidents in her time with just a GED. 

My fear is that I will not do enough, tell people enough, or share enough. That is what we should think of when we reconnect with old friends.

I thank Adam Lawson for making us all think about why we are here. Not to have it easy but to challenge ourselves.

I wish that you too also face your fears and I wish the glimmer of light comes soon...