Mom has the flu so I have to do the column—that's me, Heidi. I don’t like coughing and sneezing, it’s boring, but she is staying home with me, which is good.
I bring her my squeaker ball in case she wants to chew on it and I get to sleep with her on the bed, which I like a lot. I always like to be on the bed with my people unless there’s sex.
I don’t like sex because then no one is paying attention to me, Heidi. Plus with sex you know what happens? You end up in a ditch in Texas with six puppies, that’s what happens. I try to warn them but they don’t listen.
That’s what happened to me, Heidi. I got found in a storm drain in Houston with my puppies when I wasn’t even a year old yet. But I was lucky that we got found and the puppies got good homes and I got to move to Studio City when I was 14 months old. I like it and I have 250 frequent flyer miles on Delta Air Lines.
I like the parks and I like to wear my shopping leash -- which is short so I don’t wander – and I go to all the stores on Ventura Boulevard. Everyone says what beautiful ears. One of my people friends says I landed in a tub of butter.
When I first got here I didn’t know how to play with the ball. Mom would throw it to me and I would just look at her. I guess was used to trying to keep my puppies alive so I didn’t know we were having fun. But then one day I did get it and now it’s my favorite thing! It helped that Mom and Dad explained to me that I’m their puppy now. Now I'm 8 and I have lots of toys.
I am a very good dog, and a smart dog, too. I get the paper every morning and bring it inside. I go for my walk and try not to bark at other dogs but sometimes I can’t help it. I am just protecting Mom because she gets distracted. I have to take care of things, keep an eye on the squirrel problem.
Then I have my vitamin pill in cream cheese before breakfast – to get my cream-cheesy pill I do my “speak,” which I learned because I am also an actor dog. I do “big speak” and “little speak.” I know how to do lots of things like hitting my mark, turning in a circle, holding stuff in my mouth and playing dead.
Now I like the Patch. I like all the writers. I like who runs it because he knows lots of movie and TV stars like I do since I’m an actor. I want to meet because I want to know how to be a green dog, plus he’s an actor. knows more about dogs than dogs know about dogs so I like him too. And I super-likewho writes because she’s so funny and I was a single mom, too. Also I think s excellent writing about singles and I think that she should tell people who are by themselves to take me, Heidi, along when they go out and then they would make lots and lots of friends.
But I don’t like writing that much so I hope Mom gets better soon.