Heidi Writes

Mom has the flu so I have to do the column—that's me, Heidi.  I don’t like coughing and sneezing, it’s boring, but she is staying home with me, which is good.

 I bring her my squeaker ball in case she wants to chew on it and I get to sleep with her on the bed, which I like a lot. I always like to be on the bed with my people unless there’s sex. 

I don’t like sex because then no one is paying attention to me, Heidi.  Plus with sex you know what happens?  You end up in a ditch in Texas with six puppies, that’s what happens. I try to warn them but they don’t listen.

That’s what happened to me, Heidi.  I got found in a storm drain in Houston with my puppies when I wasn’t even a year old yet.  But I was lucky that we got found and the puppies got good homes and I got to move to Studio City when I was 14 months old.  I like it and I have 250 frequent flyer miles on Delta Air Lines.

 I like the parks and I like to wear my shopping leash -- which is short so I don’t wander – and I go to all the stores on Ventura Boulevard. Everyone says what beautiful ears.  One of my people friends says I landed in a tub of butter.

 When I first got here I didn’t know how to play with the ball. Mom would throw it to me and I would just look at her.  I guess was used to trying to keep my puppies alive so I didn’t know we were having fun.  But then one day I did get it and now it’s my favorite thing! It helped that Mom and Dad explained to me that I’m their puppy now. Now I'm 8 and I have lots of toys.

I am a very good dog, and a smart dog, too.   I get the paper every morning and bring it inside.  I go for my walk and try not to bark at other dogs but sometimes I can’t help it.   I am just protecting Mom because she gets distracted.  I have to take care of things, keep an eye on the squirrel problem.

Then I have my vitamin pill in cream cheese before breakfast – to get my cream-cheesy pill I do my “speak,” which I learned because I am also an actor dog.  I do “big speak” and “little speak.”  I know how to do lots of things like hitting my mark, turning in a circle, holding stuff in my mouth and playing dead.

Now I like the Patch.  I like all the writers. I like who runs it because he knows lots of movie and TV stars like I do since I’m an actor.  I want to meet because I want to know how to be a green dog, plus he’s an actor.  knows more about dogs than dogs know about dogs so I like him too.  And I super-likewho writes because she’s so funny and I was a single mom, too.  Also I think s excellent writing about singles and I think that she should tell people who are by themselves to take me, Heidi, along when they go out and then they would make lots and lots of friends.

But I don’t like writing that much so I hope Mom gets better soon.