Moms Talk Q&A: What if you Have a Nasty Neighbor?

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I have concluded that I have very high self-esteem. I have come to this conclusion based on one important fact about myself: I am constantly and utterly surprised when someone doesn’t like me.

Now, of course, logically I am aware that it is impossible for everyone on the planet to fall madly in love with me. I consider myself a rational person who has a moderate grasp on how the world works.

I understand that when I wear make-up, I get treated better at Starbucks. I understand that when I need to get to an important appointment, I will get stuck at every red light. And conversely, when I can just meander about town, there will be no traffic. I understand that as soon as I say out loud that everything is great, I’m about to get audited by the IRS. I get it.

So I am baffled that I can’t seem to comprehend the very notion that I am disliked by a few. I say a few when it’s probably quite a few, but that’s too much for me to process right now so let’s just say “a few” for this argument.

Take my neighbor, Shmatthew (I have cleverly disguised his name to protect him even though he hates me. Very nice of me, right?) 

Anyway, Shmatthew is my neighbor. He has a wife and a little girl who is about the same age as my kids. When they first moved into the neighborhood everything was perfect (as things often are at the beginning of relationships.) We would have dinners together; a chance meeting out on the street would turn into drinks on our back porch. Birthdays were celebrated, plans were made and love was flowing like a river. Those were the days.

Then one day it changed. Shmatthew was different toward me. He was as gracious as ever toward my husband but my very presence would cause him to send the coldest of chills towards me. I couldn’t believe it! Imagine my shock then to not only realize he didn’t like me but that he actively disliked me.

 I say actively because he was actually using his personal energy to cause me distress. If there was a group gathered outside on the street he would acknowledge everyone but me. If there were ever a time when we happen to pass each other on the sidewalk, he wouldn’t even say “hello.”

It was causing me such angst. I fixated on this. Spent hours trying to figure out what had gone wrong. My husband and I came up with possible reasons but even those seemed silly and ludicrous.

I guess the part that was so distressing was that:  1. It seemed to be targeted directly at me. 2. His inability to even exchange pleasantries with me. 3. Oh my God…it was happening to me!  Someone didn’t like me!

At one point my exasperated husband said I should just ask him. OK, this does seem logical and if I were watching a movie where actors were playing all these parts I would find it absurd that the actress playing me didn’t just march next door and point blank ask the actor playing Shmatthew what went wrong. Everything always seems so simple when Tom Cruise and Julia Roberts are involved (yes, Julia Roberts would play me).

So why couldn’t I do it here?  Where was my strength?  How had I let this one person turn my brain into a Shmatthew extravaganza?  Because this is real life that’s why and I couldn’t risk the humiliation. It all seemed so high school to even broach the topic.

How would it even go? 

Me:  “Hi Shmattew!  How are you today?”

Shmatthew:  (Silence)

Me:  “Um….um….I was wondering why you don’t like me anymore?”

Shmatthew:  (Weird look plus awkward silence.)

 Me:  (Painful stomach/head ache ensues)  “Ok. Thanks for the chat!”

Shmatthew:  (Slams door)

..and scene.

Ugh. Can you imagine?!  The thought of that encounter turned me off to the whole honesty tactic. So I did what I always do when I realize someone doesn’t adore all that is me.

I set out to win them over. I can hear your moans and I wish you had been there when I hatched this ridiculous ill-conceived plan, but you weren’t… so I went straight ahead and plotted my strategy. It would be a three-pronged attack. First, I would pretend that he wasn’t ignoring me or treating me badly.

I would just proceed as if all was well with the world.  If that failed, then I would set out to ignoring him and treating him badly. And if all that proved futile, I would kill him with kindness. Certainly no one is immune to my contagious smile.

 Ok. Stop moaning.

This was taking over my life. I had a husband, children, laundry, chin hairs to pluck. 

I really didn’t have time for this. But I plowed fearlessly forward blissfully unaware of my own insanity. Insanity gets a bad rap, I think. Some of my favorite times in life I have been completely insane. Not clinically, of course, because that would be scary and would probably involve sharp knives. I’m talking about the laypersons version of insanity. The kind where you do stupid things but don’t know they’re stupid until years later when they resurface in your brain causing you to cringe in horror at your own idiocy. Ah, beautiful insanity.

I was in the throws of Shmatthew insanity for sure. I couldn’t think of anything or anyone else. Part one of my plan would begin.

PRETEND NOTHING IS WRONG

This sounds easier than it actually is. When you are met with such fierce hostility it’s extremely hard to be kind and gracious. But I was determined. I saw Shmatthew outside talking with a bunch of neighbors and decided that this was the time to begin. I screwed my courage to the sticking place and opened my front door and advanced on my target.

Again, everyone said hello except for Shmatthew. I was unfazed. I proceeded to ask Shmatthew questions and really inquire about his life. I am not exaggerating when I say he didn’t answer…at all. At one point I asked him how things were going and he deferred the question to another neighbor. When I interrupted and said that “no I had meant the question for him” he said, “I’m fine.” 

This was not going well. I tried this tactic a couple more times and met the same blank, cold stare. I decided it was time to employ part 2 of my plan 

TREAT HIM BADLY/IGNORE HIM

First off I have to say that this goes against every fiber of my being. I would rather pluck my own eyeballs out of their sockets than subject anyone purposefully to hatred.

One time, years ago, I was rude to a bank teller and was so torn up with guilt and shame I returned to the bank the following day with chocolates for her—complete with an overblown yet completely truthful account of why I had been so thoughtless (boyfriend breakup, migraine headache).  And that was completely unintentional!  

How was I going to pull this off?  I thought that if Shmatthew saw me distancing myself and ignoring him he would realize how much he missed me and how wrong he had been to shun me and be so nasty.  

Again, these realizations only happen in movies but I was insane… so there you go.  One day Shmatthew walked up to a group of us standing on the sidewalk in front of our houses chatting. (I promise you we all are very busy people who have jobs but I realize this essay makes us seem very Desperate Houswifey).

 So up comes Shmatthew and I turn my back on him. It took every ounce of strength that I had but I did it. Didn’t make eye contact, didn’t acknowledge his very existence! Yay for me!

All I had to do was wait until he saw me again and all would be better…except that it wasn’t. It seems that my little stunt actually made him madder!  It was like I poked an angry bear with a sharp stick instead of just running him over with a truck and being done with it. Oh, this was bad. Now his stares were colder and his attitude was meaner. What had I done? Time to employ my final strategy.

KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS 

This tactic was more suited to me personality. I would not only be kind (as I was in the first part of my plan) but I would go overboard with sincerity. Forget kindness I would be effusive and over the top. Who could refuse that. 

OK. You can groan.

I did utilize this trick but, as you can probably predict, to no avail. However, one day I did flash a huge smile his way and he DID SMILE BACK!  But since then it’s been back to normal.

At this point I was growing pretty weary.

What was wrong with me?  How could I have let this get so out of hand?  It was ridiculous. I was a grown woman and as a grown woman I should realize that there are going to be people in the world who were not going to like me…end of story. But I simply can’t accept it. I. won’t. accept. it. It’s just the way I am.

Perhaps that makes me impossibly narcissistic and full of myself but that’s just the way I am. That’s the beauty of turning 40. You can now see your flaws with crystal clarity,  but no longer have the energy to go about changing them. Hi!  My name is Irene and my self-esteem is so incredibly high that I can’t imagine you won’t fall in love with me. Even as I write this I see the absurdity but it’s the truth.

So I will find ways to cope with my incessant and gnawing need to be liked. I will adopt mantras and do meditations to calm myself through the hatred others direct at me but in the end I will die with this flaw. On my gravestone this final sentence will appear:

Here lies Irene. You are standing here which means you must really, really like Irene. For that, she will always be eternally grateful.