Like the proverbial conundrum about a tree falling in the forest -- if you write something and only your dog laughs, is it really funny?
Heidi and I, at least, thought this pitch was hysterical when we posted it at the bottom of our
TODAY’S SPECIAL REQUEST FROM HEIDI: As her readers know, Heidi is an actor -- which means, in this town, she’d better learn to be a waiter. We’re looking for a local actor/waiter who would be willing to meet with the actor/dog and show her the ropes (preferably at a restaurant with open-air seating, but we’re flexible). Interested? Please let us know.
We expected to be flooded with offers – I assumed every waiter in Los Angeles was an actor just waiting to be discovered by SC Patch, your key to Valleywood, and Heidi has high expectations for everything because she’s a dog. We were amused by the visual of a real German shepherd delivering your schnitzel to your table.
But we were not flooded. In fact, we did not get a single offer. Heidi and I have written dozens of columns just for you, scouring the suburbs for scoops, often toiling far into the dinner hour. Would it kill you to get off Facebook for a nanosecond and do something to help out a rescue dog with big ears and big dreams? We’re only asking.
But because we don’t take no answer for an answer, I contacted my friend Jill Holden, who escaped a short-lived foray into waitressing for a long career as an award-winning drama teacher and actress whose credits include the American tour of the nine-hour stage epic The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickelby and a recurring role on the ABC Family TV series Pretty Little Liars. Although her waitress credits are admittedly less sterling than her acting resume, Jill was willing to help out. And so was Jill’s husband, TV journalist and fortune cookie entrepreneur Ray Richmond. Both live in Studio City.
We also had no trouble persuading celebrity hangout to serve as the location for the lesson (20% off if you mention the Patch). And a real-live Jinky’s waiter, Jason Piazza, was willing to jump in to evaluate Heidi’s potential. In fact, things were going so well that we decided to shoot an educational documentary, Doggie Bag, designed to help all aspiring actor/canines -- and having its world premiere today right here on the Patch! (The exclamation point was added by the dog). Ken Burns, eat your heart out. Special thanks to Jill, Jinky’s and Jason. And Ray, no words can express our gratitude, so we’ll try product placement instead: We’ve attached an image of your fine novelty treat, Super Accurate Fortune Cookies (The Smartest Cookies on Earth), ripped off without permission from your website.
Jill’s parting advice to Heidi: “Don’t drop the beer. Your customers are not there to get to know YOU. Keep the saliva to a minimum.” And as my husband Alan Feldstein can attest after editing this video, Jill’s advice is probably better than my personal auteur theory of filmmaking: As long as there’s beer, keep shooting.
