Blog: Pikey Pram Pusher – The Homeless Hood of sHorty & Morty

The tall coal black homeless man that limped away – after Morty smacked him with a crutch – was nicknamed Pikey Pram Pusher by his fellow street people. Pikey preferred his prized pram over cheap store carts and it was always well hidden from the paws of any on-the-books or court ordered temporary Cal Trans worker. Even the homeless had their priorities on what their “bling” was. He felt slighted after helping save Celine from the cops and orderlies in the ER. What made it worse was that he had been bested by the midget.

In his mind – which left him not long after leaving Austria and arriving in krazytown. Pikey Pram's hopes of becoming the next Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger were ruined by his alcoholism and other drug addictions but his thoughts of the legless beauty went deeper than lust. He wanted to take care of Celine and envied her choice in partners. Morty was a 4’6” dwarf – a black one at that – and Pikey had seen her months before she teamed up with him against the odds of rising suns on the streets of Hollywood, California. He knew a lot about Celine – who Morty nicknamed Shorty – maybe even more than she knew about herself.

Pikey had watched her dancing for the public on her colorfully covered stumps while alternately changing accents according to the tourists' allegiance. Celine twirled on her vibrantly colored and padded Persian blanket that she could easily roll up and carry on her back.  He witnessed her crawling along Hollywood Boulevard one cold night - after being raped by another homeless man - who happened to disappear shortly after. Pikey knew where he went but when anyone around their community wondered what happened to “Sam the Can” – he just smiled and shook his head.

Sam was a repeat offender for stealing money from donation cans - hence the nickname. Pikey had seen him around the church schoolyard whistling to the little kids.  Sam now rested in a barrel that Pikey found fit his body to a Tee and with his Herculean strength had jammed Sam into an industrial dumpster behind the local precinct. Pikey timed his delivery to coincide with trash removal day. The kids were safe from one less pedophile - but then - most lived with them in their homes.

Pikey considered himself the loveless lifeguard of the streets - yet his heart ached for a woman’s touch. If only Celine knew what he had done for her – she would leave Morty and be his girl. If only he could tell her the feelings he had. If only she knew that he had found a DVD with a woman’s name on it "E.M. Fredric" that had footage on it that reminded him of a younger - more vibrant version of what Celine must’ve been like if she had had legs. He had found this treasure long before he met the legless wonder.

Maybe Celine/Shorty was born with legs and she had had some car accident or some deep form of abusive trauma that erased her memory. All he cared about was diving into her heart. Maybe by sharing the footage of this doe-eyed actress with various bits - Celine might see herself with the black self-appointed lifeguard of the streets.

Maybe E.M. Fredric was her sister or mother or daughter or cousin or even Shorty – herself… Some of the homeless guys offered Pikey money for the demo but it would be gone forever and he needed a girl in his life – even if she was on a DVD. Gus - one of the many homeless actors - told Pikey that he should go to SAG/AFTRA building on Wilshire Boulevard and track her down through an agency list - but the Pram wasn't ready for that. It would break his heart if he found out E.M. Fredric no longer existed or wasn't still working somewhere and he wanted to keep his dream of her alive until Celine broke down and married him.

He watched Peter with Babes along the boulevard many times - usually with angst. That inflatable honey was too public for Pikey’s comfort zone. He kept his secret tucked carefully under the hood with old lace that draped his pram. He hummed to himself: I want my… I want my… I want my… DVD or I want my... EMF. Pikey grinned knowing people thought he meant MTV.

His DVD girl played many roles that he watched on his portable laptop and he wanted more of her but didn't want to share her or sell her to the world. Why should other people be happy? He was in love with all the different roles she played - even as the little girl with Petey her dog. The Pram told himself that when he got sober he would find his babe for real and walk E.M. Fredric down a red carpet after buying her the most beautiful red rhinestone dress for all the award shows. Petey would trot alongside with a matching collar and leash. Then he would take them home to their kids in their mansion on the hill.

These images and thoughts were swirling in his head as Pikey Pram Pusher limped around the corner of the building and ran into a few orderlies that had jetted out from the County Hospital ER room looking for their stolen gurney with missing patient (Celine) on board. The two men stopped and the police officers weren’t far behind.

The head orderly demanded to know where Celine had been taken with her “little guy” boyfriend? Pikey saw red when the cops screeched to a halt behind the first orderly. He hated the police because he felt they were nothing more than money makers and paper pushers. When was the last time any officer of the local P.D. solved a real crime? All they did was bother people and drove his community to “move along” when the politicians’ cameras weren’t looking.

They couldn’t even find “Sam the Can” under their own noses but they could arrest a homeless person for being drunk in public. Pikey was still pissed they had arrested his buddy – forearm-less Jake - for spitting at them when they handed him a jaywalking ticket. They handcuffed him tightly above the elbows and made him sit in the heat of summer until Jake calmed down.

The middle-aged orderly yelled – bringing Pikey to attention, “Hey stupid! I asked you a question. Where’s our gurney and the lady with no legs?!” “The midget, too!” piped in the second orderly. That did it. Call him any word you want – including nigger – Pikey ignored ignorance because his mind couldn’t comprehend it - but no one called Pikey stupid and got away with it.

Pikey Pram Pusher roared until the vessels on his filthy neck started to bubble. The stench of his heated breath as he exhaled to assault their ears again had the men covering their mouths. It took a lot to take him down – Rodney King was an altar boy on acid compared to Pikey. The tasers didn’t disturb him but the dart gun finally felled Pikey - as it would an elephant – when back-up came.

As the ruckus continued – Morty worked quickly at building Celine a new crutch leg. They were both ecstatic that her mannequin leg had been left intact. She was still groggy yet giggly from the Demerol injected into her veins. “Morty. How’d I get here? You’re so handsome. What happened to my legs?...” Morty kept working while explaining patiently, "It all started when Kate knocked into..."

Meanwhile back in Hollywood…

Young homeless Peter with his girlfriend – blow-up Babes – tangoed along with the camera guy – Josh Jalil capturing every moment. Peter whispered into Babes’ rubber ear how he had tricked Josh into believing he was an art teacher – named Dylan - who taught the homeless. Krazy Kate had told Peter that an art class had started up at the local shelter on Fridays and she had seen the new teacher. “He’s C-U-T-E! Really, really cute and handsome but then he tried to eat my dog. Oh, that was my husband – he’s dead - but his name is Dylan – I saw it on the blackboard.” Kate declared.

Jared was hot – hot to finally get his hands on Morty and wring his little neck for taking over his Puppet Addict meeting. Who did he think he was imitating being a dummy?  This was his town and he wasn’t having any half-pint try to become Sheriff. He entered the metro station at Hollywood and Vine to hop a train towards County Hospital where he expected to locate Shorty and Morty. He popped in his iPod earbuds which played Elvis Presley music over and over as the train came to a halt. The late afternoon crowd was filtering around him. Jared played air-guitar making that much more room for performance sakes - as he stepped inside the middle car.

An envelope was pushed under the social worker’s door. Mr. Weldon had sleep apnea and was out at his desk. The door was locked and a large snicker bar wrapper clung to his chin as he snored. The envelope held a DVD and was labeled – “from Pikey’s Pram” in messy handwriting.

A loud knock woke Mr. Weldon with a start. Papers and a bag of half-eaten chips went flying while his arms flailed at the intrusion of waking up. He yanked the snicker bar wrapper from his face and stood. Then he saw the package…

To be continued...

Last story:

6. Josh Jalil & Peter: The Camera Guy – Shorty & Morty’s Homeless Shooter: http://studiocity.patch.com/blog_posts/blog-the-camera-guy-shorty-mortys...

Short Stories/Interviews From The Beginning:

1. Zippy & Kate:  Two Left Feed in the ER with Shorty & Morty: http://studiocity.patch.com/blog_posts/bloggin-two-feet-left-in-the-er-w...

2. Peter: Running Young ‘n Homeless in Hollywood – Shorty & Morty: http://studiocity.patch.com/blog_posts/blog-running-young-n-homeless-in-...

3. Razor: Countin’ On The Homeless Cenus – Hollywood @ Steak with Shorty & Morty: http://studiocity.patch.com/blog_posts/blog-countin-on-the-homeless-cens... 

4. Steven Huber: Composer Steven Huber Creates A Theme Song for Shorty & Morty http://studiocity.patch.com/blog_posts/blog-composer-steve-huber-creates...

5. Jared: Everybody’s Got A Bully – Even Hollywood’s Homeless: http://studiocity.patch.com/blog_posts/blog-everybodys-got-a-bully-even-...

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