Top Retirement Places to Live

You can retire
to Phoenix , Arizona

1. You are willing to park 3
blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced
condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet
bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in
one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for
Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is
comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven
door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable,
hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California
where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still
can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is
going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an
artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your
neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something
is, you tell them how long

it will take to get there rather than how
many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and
Drought.

OR


You can retire to New York City
where...

1. You say "the city" and expect
everyone to know you mean Manhattan ..

2. You can get into a four-hour
argument about how to get from Columbus

Circle to Battery Park, but can't
find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is
"nature."

4. You believe that being able to
swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.
(Ed. Note if you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an
act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota
where...

1. You only have four spices:
salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..

2. Halloween costumes fit over
parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe
for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything
flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost
winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South
where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the
same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is
plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid
defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob,
Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen,
Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc
etc.

5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over
yonder" or "out yonder."
It's important to know the difference,
too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado
where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain
bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick
up Granola on his way home and so he
stops at the day care
center.

3. A pass does not involve a
football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald,
but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest
where...

1. You've never met any
celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is
ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from
"heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a
preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to
any exotic place, you say,
"It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida
where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the
afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon
of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an
excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends
anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often
appear to be driven by headless people.