How Not To Be A Good Legislator.

Representative Henry A. Waxman is stepping down after 40 long years to give somebody else a chance.  Yay!

The first thing to do is to find a cheap crummy apartment in his district.  Move a table, chair and lamp into the space, close the drapery or shutters and leave a bike locked up in the garage assigned to your new abode.

Schmooze in the neighborhood.  Have pot holders printed with your name on them with the message:  “Don’t get burned, vote for (insert your name)”.  Send a tray of sandwiches at lunch time to the hard-working folks at any major company or two in your new neighborhood. 

Pretend you’re Harvey Weinstein during Oscar-voting season.  You want endorsements!  Spread your name around.  Always stress how you’re an outsider who wants to clean up government. After you win the election – which undoubtedly you will – go to Washington, D.C. and live in your office.  Take pictures and send them back home to the L.A.Times and Daily News.

Whatever committee you land on, ask for an investigation right away!  This clever tactic always puts you in the headlines.  After the study is complete, question the results of the investigation so you can “get to the bottom of the scandal”.  Order another fact-finding survey and continue the process to keep yourself in the headlines.

Make contact with the more unpopular lobbyists and act flustered when they hand you a big wad of cash or first class tickets on a Mediterranean cruise.  Practice your “surprised” look until you perfect it. Learn how to play golf but never play in your goofy shorts and t-shirt.  Always don a neat, collared polo shirt and long pants.  Avoid the red and black threads always worn on Sunday by Tiger – you don’t want to be too obvious.

Always keep a bottle of Jameson on hand in the event you want to toast an accomplishment. If John Boehner is no longer speaker, substitute the Jameson accordingly.

Get with your party honchos and promise your undying support for all their ridiculous ideas.  Send your intern on a fishing expedition to find the inherent weakness and flaws in their project (you will need this at a later date).

Be a team player. Begin by making cost-effective changes where possible.  After a certain amount of time give a presser and explain how the entire system must be thrown out and replaced by a newer, more efficient system which will take decades but will eventually pay for itself.

Be humble when bragging about your accomplishments. Send an email to your constituents every month.

Always wear cheap shoes.  The voters judge your honesty by their appearance.

When you go home always schedule a Town Hall meeting at dinner time so nobody will show up.

Congratulations, you rock!