It takes talent. It takes a certain amount of chutzpah, luck and timing but if you set your mind, heart and soul to it you can work the system and avoid getting a job. Sure, we could make a listicle for you with bullet points but we’d rather spell it out step by step. Remember, the point is to NOT get a job! Then, you can return to school again and again, year after year and claim to be working on your Masters or your PhD. You'll gain the respect of your parents, friends and the community in general.
Your resume: Make sure it’s disorganized with typos, grammatical errors and post-scripts you forgot to include like the extra nice things you did in prison. Include bad references and strange reasons for having been fired from your previous jobs.
Always arrive late for your interview and bring along a friend or relative to enliven and interrupt the proceedings. (i.e. “Is this almost over? The taco truck is going to be leaving soon and I’m getting hungry.”)
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Stop at a bar and take a few slugs of beer or some strong spirits which will alleviate your nervousness and remove your inhibitions.
Wear something suitable like holey jeans, a neon colored tank top or a smudged-up usta-be-white undershirt. If you're clever, you'll have something relevant of historic significance in your wardrobe that'll do the trick like a "Hitler Sucks" tank top. Women should apply their makeup with a spatula (especially mascara globbed up at the sides of the eyes - stunning!), wear big clunky jewelry and splash on tons of cologne or perfume – if a sprinkling is good why not pour it on to make a lasting impression.
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Be a high-talker. Is there anything less appealing than someone who speaks in a high-pitched voice? Well, maybe a nasal tone will do or goo goo baby talk.
Sneeze, cough and interrupt as much as possible.
If the job involves a lot of work, protest a bit and ask how long lunch break is, when do you get vacation time and any irritating questions you can think of to hamper the interview process.
If there’s a candy dish, dive in and ask if you can take some extras home for your mom.
Your hand shake must be as limp as possible. After all you’re not applying for the strong man at the circus job.
Use any annoying habit you can perfect -- Leg jitters, foot bobbing or hair twirling are acceptable. Chewing on a Ticonderoga number 2 pencil is passe -- nobody even carries pencils anymore except for kindergartners.
Leave your cellphone on so you can take personal calls and return text messages as quickly as possible. Take plenty of time reading them and laughing at all those goofy things your friends write.
Always take a selfie to prove you actually showed up at the interview.
Ask when your first pay day will be and complain that it doesn't sound like enough to pay your cellphone bill.
If you used any tissues, leave them behind on your chair when you get up to leave.
Use the words "awesome" and "cool" frequently.
Show a picture of your cat or dog and explain that you need to leave now because your pet is lonely.
We guarantee that you won’t get the job -- this job or any other one which might come up in the future. You’ll be free to return to school for many years to come.
