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Health & Fitness

Please Avoid Contact With The News.

Don’t ask me why, but for whatever reason, my husband who received his master’s degree from Columbia School of Journalism, enjoys watching the so-called national news on the alphabet networks. I was put off to hear a creepy voice announce this particular evening’s program. The blonde anchor woman of a certain age seemed to be wearing a thick layer of gray concealer under another thick layer of concrete for makeup. Okay, maybe it was yellow cake mix instead. Her mascara was another distraction because it had clumped on one eye and that eye was fighting to remain open. She announced a couple of tidbits about more tornadoes about to touch down along tornado alley (where else? Isn't that why they refer to it as such?). She took a few seconds to warn us about a wild fire burning in southern California. We had a quickie about the latest portrait of Queen Elizabeth – she speculated on whether it resembled Maggie Thatcher or Winston Churchill? The commercial was one of those dopey three-part vignettes about couples which always ends, for some unknown reason, with two bath tubs in the middle of nowhere. Cialis. The next segment of “the news” was more of a promo for a program later on tonight’s schedule about a dangerous school in Philadelphia. This had a proportionate amount of needed pc diversity – the students were black, Asian, white, Hispanic and I’m not sure if any group was not represented. Forgive us – we try to include a cross-section of as many ethnics as possible. There was a lot of screaming, gunshot sounds, a principal crying and hovering over the kids. The anchor was protected by some of the larger, heavy-duty female students. You can see more when you tune in to their longer show later tonight on the very same channel. Next, we were treated to a weird looking guy lighting a camp fire, a tent in the background. Ah, this one is an ad for Viagra. I forget what pharmaceutical commercials followed -- possibly a smoking-cessation ad since many of our congressmen have bought tons of stock in these companies. Apparently smoking is not good for your health (just in case you've been out of town for the past several decades). The final segment of our news showed clips of graduation speeches. Oprah was screaming her lungs out about being at Harvard. A wonderful lesson on demeanor when addressing an Ivy League graduating class. It was nearly as elegant as listening to our national anthem being sung at a NASCAR race. And finally, there was an item about Amelia Earhart’s plane wreckage spotted by sonar. Her plane may have gone down in the Pacific in 1937 but it's never too late to deliver "the news". Nothing else of any significance happened in the world today. No news about Syria, Eric Holder, the IRS, Congress, the Supremes, Benghazi, Israel, the Muslim Brotherhood, Al Qaeda, Iran, North Korea or Dennis Rodman -- not even a new epidemic or food tampering scare. I can’t wait to tune in again tomorrow. Maybe the government will have a bake sale. I just hope the anchor got rid of that clump of mascara. Oh wait a minute, she has an entourage of several munchkin men who deliver "the news" on weekends. We'll probably be treated to watching one of the dwarfs and lots of whale, bird, dog or cat youtubes. Why bother watching cable?

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