A Dull Roar

Stop the presses!  I have figured out a way to solve the national debt crisis!  This is what I propose:  Take all the money that is used to conduct in-depth studies about topics and life truths we already know and understand to be fact, and funnel said money directly to the people and programs that need it.  As far as I can estimate (with no monetary knowledge and/or political savvy) this would result in millions and possibly billions of dollars.  

Sure, I have no study to back this up but that would be silly-- because that would take more money.  You see?  No?  OK.  

Think about this then:  How many studies have been done in your lifetime about how much easier it is to be good-looking than plain?  How many thousands and thousands of dollars have been spent, by Dateline NBC alone, proving the point that if you are attractive, life is easier?  If you have spent anytime on the planet Earth, you already know this to be true.  It may not be fair, it may not be right and for sure, it sucks, but it is what it is.  We should take that money and give it to some folks that need it.  Hell, give it to ugly people who want nose jobs or boob lifts, just please in the name of all that we all know to be true, stop spending money shoving this fact in our unattractive faces.  

Another area that DOES NOT need anymore investigation is:  fecal matter.  Let's take that cash and build houses for Katrina victims and stop spending loads of money finding out what is on our doorknobs and what is in our corn chips.  I think we are all old enough to accept the fact that everything we touch and everything we eat has poop in it.  End of story.  We can cry and get grossed out—but that doesn't change the fact that doo-doo probably makes up 1/5 of our planet.  I have no scientific evidence to back up that last statement up but I think it's a pretty fair assumption.  From the computers we touch to the burgers we eat--they are all made up, in some small way, of crap.  It's ok...really.  Like I tell my kids all the time, it's just poo—get over it.  

And finally, while I'm on the topic of kids--can we please stop looking into the effects of television on children?  We get it.  TV + KIDS = BAD PARENT.  Whatever.  I don't put my kids in front of the TV because I think it's an awesome way for their brains to grow.  

I do it because if I didn't, mommy may drown herself in a tub a vodka with a note attached to a heavy rock that reads:  

DEAR NICK AND LUCY,

HAD NO CHOICE.  I READ SOMEWHERE THAT TV WAS DAMAGING YOU.  ALAS, THIS WAS MY ONLY OPTION.  EAT YOUR VEGGIES, BE SUPER ATTRACTIVE AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT FECES.

 LOVE, YOUR MOM.

 I'm a better mom because of television, no question about it.  It gives me some much needed down time and entertains my kids.  It's perfect.  Sure, too much isn't great but that can be said for anything.  I once threw up after I ate too much chocolate cake.  

No more studies needed.  Debt crisis solved.  You're welcome.