The Dull Roar: Just Call Me Ms. LaRocca

As many of you may or may not have noticed, it has been awhile since my last blog entry.  I wish I had a fantastic excuse like I was trapped under a rock and had to cut off my big toe to survive or I'm still on the 405 with a can of beans and a flashlight...but alas the only reason for my temporary departure was moving.

Yes.  I have moved.

It has been awhile since I uprooted my life, eight years to be exact.  This move was more difficult for two reasons:  First of all, eight years ago I was in my thirties.  If you are saying to yourself, 'what's the big deal about that?' then you are clearly still in your thirties.  Something happens when you round that sharp corner into your forties.  Every sin you ever committed against your body comes due.  Every cigarette, every drink, every bong hit comes back at you with a horrible vengeance- which if it had a voice would scream, "HA HA...TOLD YOU I WASN'T A GOOD IDEA!"  So now, I'm moving in my forties which means although I'm filled with wisdom--I am also slower, weaker and prone to lower back pain.  

Secondly, the last time I moved it was just my husband and I.  This time we also have a five and six year old in tow.  Five and six year olds suck at moving.  They can't carry things, for one.  I asked my son to take his stuffed animal to the car as we were leaving and he sighed and moaned like I'd asked him to rewrite the Declaration of Independence.  They also can't help organize or unpack once you arrive and will complain loudly if you try to organize and unpack.  Kids will also make unreasonable demands like, "I want my cup with the giraffe on it.  No.  Not the purple giraffe... the green giraffe with the orange head that rolled under my bed last week!!" or  "Mama...put on a puppet show!"  

But we finally made it and are here in Oak Park or as I like to refer to it as: The Land of the Nicest People on Earth.

I have to be honest and say I wasn't so sure I was going to like it out here.  I have lived in big cities most of my adult life, first Chicago and then Los Angeles.  Both times I've lived very close to the action and both times I've enjoyed the vibe and general chaos that a city brings.

But then I had kids.

The school situation in LA is alone enough to drive any sane person to the brink. Terms like open enrollment, work permits, and magnet points gave me migraines and always left me with the sense that I wasn't doing enough to get my kids into the best public school.  Yes...there are private institutions but those come with their own sets of requirements, recommendation letters and blood tests and lest we forget GIANT tuitions.  Nope!  Public school for us.

The congestion and urban feel I once found so exhilarating and vibrant in the city, now produced levels of cortisol in my blood stream equal to those of someone under constant machine gun fire.  

I roughly estimate I spent an hour a day contemplating parking issues.  I would wake up, have my coffee and then map out in my head all my parking woes for the day.  Was there a parking structure?  Were there meters?  Was there permit only parking and if so, could I get a pass?  Was there street cleaning?  Was there valet? Did they take just cash or was my credit card ok?  Could I park in the red if I used my hazards and limped (quickly) to my location?  What's a green curb anyway?? WHY DOESN'T WHOLE FOODS HAVE MORE PARKING!!!  AHHHHHH!!!!  And so went all my days.

I also planned my days around traffic patterns.  My thoughts would go like this:  'I have to be at that location at 3:00pm....so I better run that other errand 5 miles away a little earlier or I'll never make it...wait...is this gay pride week?.....is Santa Monica closed!!....dear lord....ok....I'll have to see if I can push that meeting until 3:30....oh crap...I have to pick up my prescription today too...ok I'll run to Rite Aid in the morning...wait it is Monday??....never any parking at Rite Aid on Monday...ok.....I'll cut today's pill in half.....that buys me some time...oh my god...is there a Hollywood Bowl concert tonight???......UGH....ok....I'll have to make that appointment at 3:00pm a little earlier because Highland will be backed up starting at 4:00 and need to get home and make dinner....IS THIS WEEKEND THE LA MARATHON???!!!  And so went all my days.

Finally , I just didn't like who I was becoming in LA.  I was so tense and angry all the time.  The car was, of course, when I was most like a gorilla that had just been shot up with steroids and punched in the groin, but even once I arrived home, I had lingering PTSD for hours.

Granted, many folks handle the city without as much sturm und drang as I do. They just take each moment as it comes and are able to deep breathe through their days...I'm not one of those folks.  I'm high strung, neurotic and slightly agoraphobic...in other words it was time for me to go.

So as I was saying, I wasn't sure about the move out here.  

Well...I've been here in Oak Park, California for about two weeks now and I can't believe I lasted in Los Angeles for so long!  I am not kidding when I say that almost everyone smiles in Oak Park.....everywhere.....all the time.   I'm also being reacquainted with something you may remember from days gone by...manners.  At the post office a woman accidentally stepped on my foot which made her apologize profusely to me for about 20 seconds.  She also apologized because she didn't want me to think that she was cutting in front of me in line..she merely had to put her three heavy packages down.

Ok.

It became crystal clear to me how tense and anxious I had become when I was at Pavilions in my new home town.  By the way, it was 4:00pm on a Thursday and I was one of only seven people in the entire store.  For a moment I pondered whether there was some type of Armageddon type thing happening.  Should I be sealed up in my home with duct tape?  Where is everyone?

So in my usual frantic-must-get-the-shopping-done-quickly-before-I-spend-an-hour-in-traffic-and-then-dinner-is-late-and-my-kids-start-melting-down pace I rush to the counter and in what could only be described as a 'foaming at the mouth mania.' I fumble for my wallet all the while apologizing and softly swearing, the lovely check out lady says, "calm down..it's ok...take your time."

Ok.  I am a city freak.

Also, due to some Pavilions computer glitch, when I swiped my Pavilions card the wrong name appeared at the bottom of my receipt.

"Thank you, Ms. LaRocca!  Have a great day!"

I went to correct her but then rather liked the name Ashlin LaRocca.  She sounded so fun and sexy.  

'Hey Ashlin!  Come to our party tonight!  You are always so much fun! You look gorgeous!'  

It made me fantasize about having a whole new personality out here.  Who is Ms. LaRooca?  I bet she's calm and graceful.

'Look at Ashlin..she always reminds me of Audrey Hepburn.'

What would Ms. LaRocca wear? Not stained sweat pants with an old t-shirt.

'Oh, Ms. LaRocca what a beautiful dress that is!  You always look so lovely,'

I bet everywhere she goes men whistle and and women secretly envy her but outwardly adore her.  Would Ashlin run around like her pants were on fire, scaring young children and the elderly with her crazy eyes?  I'm certain she would not.

Ms. LaRocca, yours is the life I want.

I do (kind of) have the chance to start over a bit here.  Although, having moved enough in my life, I know you can never really reinvent yourself.  Funny thing is, wherever you go, there you are.  I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I accidentally (or on purpose) insult someone, inadvertently (or on purpose) step on someones toes or just open my mouth and speak (accidentally and on purpose). That's how I roll.  I'd like to be more poised.  I'd like to one of those people who could walk away from ridiculousness quietly, self possessed with the knowledge that sometimes it's better to walk away with dignity then engage with a crazy person. That would be so classy, right?  Sadly, not me.  I'm more like a loud chimpanzee running around knocking things over.  Mostly lovable but kind of annoying.

So here I am Conejo Valley.

Ms. LaRocca is ready to take on the world.