It's that time of year again when I take my lovely breasts and smash them between two plastics squares. Yes. It's my yearly mammogram. You would think at this stage in the game having given birth TWICE, various polyp removals from my lady parts and the occasional odd procedure for 'God knows what the hell that is' I would be used to this. You would be wrong. Each year the notice comes in the mail and every year I groan at the hassle of being a woman.
So, I make the appointment, cancel it three times and then finally go.
A man once said to me that he didn't know what the big deal was. I told him to put his testicles in a vice four times for seven seconds each. Now he understands and no longer speaks to me.
The office is pleasant enough and the technicians have been doing it forever, so the fact that they man-handle your body is no great shakes. I guess it's just the looming thought that this could be the year they find something. I'm fairly sure they won't find anything considering my hands are on my breasts constantly. Not sure why really...but they are. It's comforting and they make a nice little shelf for chips and such....but still the fear remains.
I walk into the room where the COLD machine waits for me. The technician tells me to relax which is like telling someone who's about to get slapped in the face to 'loosen up.' We do two of the four angles when the technician says, "Whoa...hang on a minute.'
Oh no. She sees something. It's awful I just know it. It's cancer and it's stage 4. Oh God. Please tell my family I love them and that I prefer to be cremated. AHHH! Why me??!!! Why oh why??!!! I'm too young for this. My head starts to spin and I almost drop to the floor when I hear, 'Your boobs have glitter on them.'
"Your boobs have glitter on them" is the best sentence I have ever heard in my life.
She hands me a wipe and tells me to clean 'the area.'
At this point you may be asking yourself, 'why does a 42 year old women, who isn't a pole dancer, have glitter on her boobs?'
The only thing I can say is my self tanner (unbeknownst to me) has small glittery particles. So along with the rich brown color, I also receive the ability to shine brilliantly in sunlight.
I finished and I will know the results in about a week. I'll keep you posted because I know you are all on the edges of your seats.
Peace out and glitter rules ;-)