Being Called Ma'am Sucks!

Being Called Ma'am Sucks!

I admit it, I'm no spring chicken.  I’ve celebrated decades of birthdays and have been around the block a few times (although sometimes I just circle round because I forgot where the hell I’m going).  True, I no longer have a wrinkle free complexion or an ass that can defy gravity, but I'm not donning adult diapers or waking up in the middle of the night to pee either.  That's why, when a cute guy called me ma'am the other day, it sent my ego plummeting faster than Netflix stock.

Here's how it went down. I was at the mall flipping through the sale rack at Abercrombie & Fitch (the clothing store that thinks size 4 is for plus-sized shoppers) looking for a little somethin’-somethin’ for my daughter. All around me were adorable teenaged girls with waif-like frames and thighs that looked like they were airbrushed. I was staring at a tube-top, reminiscing about the four and a half minutes back in junior high when I could actually fit into such a thing, when a cute young salesman came up to me and said, “Do you need any help, ma’am?” (sfx: knife inserting into chest followed by a sharp twist). I’m sure he thought he was being respectful, but guys need to know that calling a woman the “m” word is exponentially more painful than calling her the “c” word.

This isn't the first time I've felt just minutes away from being lowered into my grave.  A few months ago I was at the supermarket and had my back turned towards the checker as he scanned my groceries, including my medicinal bottle of pinot noir.  Just then he uttered the most erotic words any post-forty year-old woman could hear: Can I see some I.D.? Elated, I turned around and smiled a big grateful smile! He took one look at me, paused and said, "Oh. Never mind." (sfx: knife inserting in chest followed by a sharp twist).

You'd think I wouldn’t be shocked by moments like these.  I do look in the mirror from time to time, but it's a very small mirror above my bathroom sink, backlit by a window over the tub.  It’s very forgiving, not unlike the slanted ones in dressing rooms that make you look ten pounds thinner. The soft filtered light, along with my faltering vision, erases years from my reflection. I’m a firm believer that an aging face is like a vagina after childbirth and should never be examined too closely. But after my traumatic “ma'am” moment, I decided to face the truth head on. 

I retrieved an old magnifying mirror from the bowels of the closet and went out into the harsh light of day.  Let me tell you, what I saw was not pretty. I had crows feet so deep I could store my Christmas decorations in them.  And I was covered in so many liver spots I was flabbergasted I had any actual liver left to digest my wine. Even my ears were shriveling up evident by a saggy skinned "x" where my earring holes once were. It’s as if my head is being transformed into one of those apple dolls you see at renaissance faires.

That horrifying experience made face the truth that I am longer a card carrying member of the younger generation. I can’t flirt my way out of a speeding ticket or get construction workers to whistle as I walk past. Like Voldemort without his horcruxes, my powers are forever gone. Now and from this day forward, I must dress appropriately for a woman my age and cut my long hair into a more conservative style. I’m forbidden to say things like LOL, read books that center around vampires and watch shows on the CW network.

Or, I could adjust my 'tude and just say screw it. I could dress how I want, read what I like, and watch whatever damn show I please. I can become an age-orexic, ignorantly thinking that I’m younger than the calendar tells me. I can toss that wretched magnifying mirror in the trash and retreat into the soft focus light of my bathroom where my face will forever be supple and dewy cheeked. I realize that the secret to getting older is to embrace the age you are, realize it's advantages (like getting discounts from the AARP!), and remember that no matter how old and decrepit you may think you look, you'll do anything to look this good a decade from now!