Traversing the Highs and Lows of Dating and Forging Ahead

In the last year, especially this last month, each of my previous boyfriends (except one) has popped the question or tied the knot.  Needless to say, I was not on the receiving end of the proposal or vow. Crushing? A bit. If that weren’t tough enough, I have become the reality version of Katherine Heigl in the movie, “27 Dresses,” always a sincerely happy bridesmaid…yet to be the bride (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0988595/).  However, I reminded myself that I independently walked away from these men, seeking a version of perfection I developed by taking bits and pieces from each, putting together my own heaven-sent man, named “Ken” of course.  I have been told I have too many requirements/expectations, but I expect a lot from myself and refuse to settle for less.  I would rather be single than with the wrong person or someone that will just do for now.

A hopeless romantic is how I describe myself, seeking to serendipitously bump my shopping cart into a 30-something, tall, dark, handsome, single man at the local Trader Joe’s, who has a sweet tooth and a similar desire to hold out for his “one.”  I meet a lot of cute, seemingly good guys, but none for which I would want to retire my single uniform.  When I meet these bachelors and initially think, “I don’t think he’s the one I’m going to marry,” my old roommate’s sage wisdom creeps up to remind me that everyone deserves a chance and that I might be pleasantly surprised, so often times I accept the offer.

Last week, right before I discovered (after a bit of snooping around on Face Book) a shocking picture of my ex-boyfriend with his arms wrapped around his new fiancé, my mother reminded me that she and my father are not getting any younger and she would like to have grandchildren.  Blow after blow, made this former ring girl doubt her chances to survive the boxing ring of romantic relationships. I had to remind her of the following facts:  1) He was wrong for me and that if I had moved on, so should she, 2) She already had six adorable grandchildren from my siblings and their spouses, and 3) She raised me to be independent, and I had a good career, was at peace with myself and for the most part, pretty happy.  I will admit, I felt sorry for myself for 24 hours, but then, I found myself wishing him happiness and finding comfort in the fact that whatever we had would officially remain in our pasts forever.  I find comfort in situations that are black and white - no ambiguous shades of grey (unless it's 50 Shades of Grey, (http://www.amazon.com/Fifty-Shades-Grey-Book-Trilogy/dp/0345803485) then keep that coming). I had always known I would be the last of my friends to be married, and took comfort in the fact that my mother did not meet my father until about the age of 29 or 30. I had an idea of how I wanted my 20s to be, which included getting my master’s degree, living on my own, paying my own bills, and holding down my own career. Well, I am in my last year of my 20s, and have accomplished these personal goals that I was unwilling to relinquish prior to settling down, as they proved to me that I could make it on my own.  A male friend of mine recently proposed the idea that perhaps my independence and obvious self-sufficiency could be intimidating to some potential suitors, but it seems that more are intrigued by this new-age woman.  Perhaps a core fear of mine has been relying too much on someone else only to be left having to put my life back together.  Behind this thought is a misunderstanding that co-dependency is unhealthy, but that is based on emotional roller-coasters of relationships in the past that are not necessarily the norm.  The other half of it was that I believed I had to get through certain milestones before getting married, much like many men desire to be financially stable before getting engaged. 

Another former roommate, this time during a discussion following a night out painting the town red, tried to console me as I attempted to get over an ex who was crazy and yet, with whom I was still crazy in love.  She shared a bit of wisdom that had been passed on to her by her mother, that in order for a relationship to be solid and successful, both individuals had to be on solid ground – this particular ex was not.  Eight years and multiple relationships later I now feel more prepared and more of a solid partner for a future relationship.  I had my wild times at UCSB, lived a productive, mature young adult life and now know what I want and what I do not want, as well as what I will not put up with.

While dating can be exhausting if it does not lead to love, especially when your goal is no longer just to have a good time, all of these experiences teach us lessons and transform us into the people we are meant to be. Hopefully, this process brings us closer to meeting the person who makes us feel most alive, who encourages in us a desire to be better, someone who makes us want to rip our clothes off yet is someone with whom we could see ourselves growing old sipping sweet tea in our rocking chairs talking ‘bout the young folks. 

While I get distracted at times and discouraged on other occasions, a sliver of hope will always remain for the one I have yet to meet.  As much as I announce that I cannot wait to get married, if that were really true, I would be, and could have been a few times. So, I must be getting something out of being single and dating that I am not yet ready to give up.  When I am ready, he will be there, having had traversed an equally interesting road.