In this house I rank above the Afghan Hound and Husband Number Two as the gadget guru. It's a low bar. Very low.
And yet, awestruck husband likes to call me the “mechanical genius.”
I get high marks for triggering DVD and TV remote controls as swiftly as Raylan pulls his six shooter on Justified.
Points are deducted when I aim the portable phone receiver at the TV screen. Which happens more than you'd think.
Not that the Afghan Hound is a complete idiot. When she sits on the couch Violet might press the TV remote and land on "Rick Steves in Europe."
Can the dog switch back? I think not!
Moments before Steves convinces me that the capitals of Europe look no more inviting than Victory Boulevard--yes we were Victorious against trees--I fetch the remote from under Violet’s butt and change stations. Disaster averted.
I have also figured out how to record two shows at a time. My husband, who has yet to master the MUTE button, marvels at my dexterity.
I also receive lavish praised just for walking into IKEA, let alone assembling one of its lamps in two hours flat.
Here's ten more talents that qualify me in Husband's eyes as Laurel Canyon's reigning Mechanical Genius.
1. opening the remote gate. As Elvis Costello would say, my aim is true.
2. banging tacks with my grandmother’s soup ladle when I need a hammer but it got lost during our last move.
3. unplugging everything. When the DSL/Internet stops working, I'm the one who gets down on her knees, cranes through the wires and dustbunnies, unplugs all cords, turns power off, waits 60 seconds and restores the cyber cottage to the age of Enlightenment.
4. changing batteries. When the wireless keyboard starts erasing words, or the cassette tape recorder slows down, I swing into action. And yes, we still use one of those devices from the Middle Ages (featured in the photo above).
5. disabling security lights...with duct tape as I stand on a blue recycling garbage can.
6. overriding programmed sprinklers. OOOO I so love the MANUAL setting.
7. fixing my favorite recently-cracked lamp. TIP: turn the crack to the wall.
8. hanging my Sam Waterston-as-Hamlet poster on the wall with a poster holder from Amazon which one hot Valley night, lost its stickum at 3 AM scaring the crap out of the husband, the Afghan and the Mechanical Genius.
9. adjusting the temperature indoors...as Valley temperatures rise to 100, I See Dead Swedes –who invented blast furnaces –then rouse myself to combine constant wall AC, with an oscillating fan and blackout curtains which I have secured with potato chip clips to a stationary overhang.
10. fixing my husband’s eyeglasses with a drugstore kit. the challenge is twofold: A: finding my magnifying glasses to see the little whole-y thingy by the hinge (where’s 16th century spectacles inventor Roger Bacon when you need him?) and B: keeping my hand steady after downing a jug full of coffee.
So now you know: Mechanical Genius C'est Moi.
