Hence, most of us grew up in dysfunctional families with parents/caregivers who had ineffective child rearing skills. A majority merely impart what was taught to them, unaware of any psychological damage that may cause. Thus, the cycle continues.
Do you have unfinished mommy/daddy issues? Are you angry at one or both of your parents for abandoning, belittling, humiliating, neglecting, insulting, molesting, battering, and manipulating you?
Unresolved rage and resentment is often misdirected towards the person closest to you, e.g. a paramour. Have you forgiven and moved on or are you harboring a grudge? Even if your perpetrators are no longer living, you can let them off the hook.
Remember that the one holding the resentment is the one who suffers. Without letting go of fury and moving on, it’s doubtful you’ll be able to flourish in a healthy interdependent bond with your “happily ever after.”
What childhood traumas still influence your romantic relationships today? Are you searching for a mother/father figure to take care of you in the way you were never nurtured in your youth?
Are you looking to fill the hole and find the affection you coveted as an infant? Many folks confess their boyfriend reminds them of their dad or their girlfriend acts just like their mom. Sometimes they even physically bear parallel features.
Studies show that boys tend to be seduced by someone with similar traits to their mothers and girls by personalities akin to their fathers. Do you continually attract the same type of lover with characteristics mirroring your opposite sex parent?
Ponder your history/herstory. Were you a tomboy hoping to be daddy’s little girl? Do you expect every guy to treat you like a princess and go into a tizzy if they don’t?
Are you a lady who watched your dad control, demean, and/or abuse your mom, determined never to let that happen to you? Does your fear become fact as you behave in a comparable manner with your significant other?
Were you given a masculine name in a family of all daughters believing your folks really wanted a boy, assuming you were a disappointment?
Have you spent years trying to compensate for believing you were a regret from birth and would never be able to live up to your parent's demands?
Are you an adult male with a mom who was overly emotional, vulnerable, and sensitive, promising yourself you wouldn’t follow in her footsteps?
Were you a momma’s boy, doted on like a king, convinced you could do no wrong? Do you have tantrums if you’re not bowed down to or agreed with at every turn?
Are you a grown man enmeshed with your mother, spending vacations with her, inviting her on dates, checking in with her several times a day?
Do you feel like a third wheel to your beau/babe’s toxic entanglement with his/her mother/father, sister/brother? How did sibling rivalry affect you? What about birth order? Were you a twin? Anticipate more on these topics in future columns.
Do you favor your feminine/masculine side, trying to emulate a mom/dad who never gave you her/his approval? Do you people please your honey pie and then bear a grudge because you haven’t been true to yourself?
Are you the estranged, black sheep of the dysfunctional unit, charmed and drawn to partners completely different than any relatives, rebelling against how you were brought up?
Have you been afraid to produce offspring concerned you’d raise them in an identical, ineffective, harmful manner?
If any of these concepts ring a bell, perhaps this is the season to reparent yourself and pierce the precedents that have left you in unsatisfactory liaisons. The first stage is becoming aware of your tendencies in the relationship world, refusing to copy your customary path.
Shattering the system entails commitment and dedication as does any meaningful change or internal transformation.
What was missing in your infancy? How can you give yourself the necessities you craved but were deprived of?
Numerous adults who weren’t sufficiently nurtured, intuitively know how to be kind, caring, considerate, and supportive towards their own children. They comprehend on a deep level what is warranted to thrive.
Accepting the notion that you’re lacking may be a difficult concept to adopt. When you realize that you don’t have every solution, however, is precisely the instance you’ve arrive at the threshold of true knowledge and understanding.
Begin with simple steps. Locate a photo of yourself around the age of five. Put it in a nice frame and look at it daily, sending that precious child adoration, acceptance, and admiration. Let him/her know how beautiful/handsome, capable, accomplished, and extraordinary he/she is.
If you don’t have access to an old picture, visualize yourself at that age. What did you look like? What were you wearing? How did you communicate? What was your favorite toy? Recollect a time and place when you felt safe, loved, and provided for.
Tell that little girl/boy you’ll always be there for them; you’ll never leave; you’re on their side; a champion for their wishes, aspirations, dreams, desires; and you believe in their talents and passions.
Treat yourself generously. Do something to lift your spirits. Indulge yourself in gifts. Start with $5.00. Buy a spring blossoming flower for your desk. Enjoy a French pastry with your morning coffee. Pamper yourself with almond scented soap, lavender shampoo, or a sweet smelling candle.
You’ll discover the freedom to be who you are, without having to acquire a sweetheart purely for the sake of correcting faulty parenting. You’ll magnetize a mate you can share life’s journey with, i.e. rather than two halves making a whole, you'll originate as two wholes coming together to encourage each other to be their best.