Forgive Yourself First

On the eve of the Jewish High Holidays, the spirit of forgiveness is apropos. In the realm of relationships, many linger in remorse and regret, assuming blame for failed trysts. They can’t release false notions of responsibility for past breakups.

Do you continually beat yourself up through physical neglect, emotional duress, verbal degradation? Are your expectations through the roof, holding yourself to higher standards than others? If you don’t perform perfectly, do you give up or call yourself a catastrophe?

Many treat themselves worse than they would a partner, friend, offspring, sibling, relative, coworker, acquaintance. If this rings a bell, the first amends you have to make is to yourself for detrimental, self-induced behaviors.

It’s time to take the gavel out of your hand and don a soft, soothing, sympathetic glove. Be gentle, regarding yourself as you would a pure, innocent child who’s excited about the world, untainted by the harshness of society and its accompanying “shoulds.”

You are not guilty now and have never been. You did the best you could on any given occasion with the information, knowledge, and awareness you had.

Consider that if you were supposed to stay together, you would have. Nothing you did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say, would've changed the results.

Even under the American legal system, the abiding principle is “innocent until proven guilty.” Refrain from judging previous endeavors as a jury panel of one.

To err is human, to forgive divine. Mistakes are part of growing up, maturing, learning. Without them, you wouldn’t progress and evolve. Bless any faux pas you’ve made towards each paramour, recognizing they’ve allowed you to reach higher levels of consciousness.

Are you of the sort who tends to point the finger at former mates, not owning up to your part? It takes two to tango. Every person contributes their share. That’s why California is a no-fault state when it comes to divorce.

If you contend you have nothing to apologize for, dig deeper and you may discover a mere 1% contribution, compared to your lover’s 99%. Notwithstanding, you will gain immeasurable insight and relief by acknowledging your smidgeon of involvement.

Copping to your input, albeit miniscule, will free you from the bondage of prior unhealthy romances, permitting the newly empty space to be sated with fresh energy, passion, and a more beneficial bonding.

Once you’ve atoned, you’ll magnetize a possibility who admires you exactly the way you are, imperfections and all.

Where do you lie in the spectrum? Can you forgive yourself for letting the good ones go?  It’s the ideal instance to cease claiming culpability, especially when recollecting the nice guys/gals that slipped through the cracks.

Are you older and wiser today or do you still indulge in similar patterns and blunders? Did you mistake struggle and suffering for love, fighting as the norm? Did you connote conflict with connection, aggression with approval, condemnation with commendation?

Maybe you’re fickle and didn’t covet your honey when she/he desired you. Did you live by the Groucho Marx maxim that you wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have you?

Whether you were the ‘dumper’ or the ‘dumpee,’ there are apt to be remnants of sadness, hurt, hostility, animosity. This is the season to forgive and be forgiven. Remember that the person retaining the resentment maintains the pain.

What if you could go back and redo preceding alliances? Perhaps you didn’t realize the impact you had on previous dalliances, due to low self esteem, lack of confidence.

Whatever the circumstances, imagine being able to rescind negative things you said or demanding, controlling, manipulating, rebuffing ways you acted, e.g. withholding sex, love, tenderness, attention, intimacy.

Reconnecting with old flames isn’t always feasible, especially talking face to face. However, you can write an unsent letter, expounding how you might have behaved differently and bequeathing them eternal happiness, health, abundance, and joy.

When you’re in love, everything unlike itself appears. Hence, childhood and unresolved psychological issues will assuredly surface. If you feel worthless and undeserving, you’re liable to push away the kind, caring gents/ladies and be smitten solely by the bad boys/girls. This may intensify a self-fulfilling prophecy that you aren’t valuable or significant.

Although it’s typically not your paramour’s problem, but rather your own inner turmoil, the object of your affection receives the blunt of personal insecurities. Did you realize how much you affected them, inherently and profoundly damaging their soul to the extent they wished you ill will?

When you’re feeling down and defeated, it’s inevitable to mull over the fallacious fact that you don’t matter and consequently have no influence on a main squeeze. You’d be surprised to discover the truth, that you’re important, have relevance, and are capable of imprinting, whether or not a match turns out to be your prince/princess charming.

Don’t miss the hottest ticket in town this Tuesday, Sept. 18 at the Oyster House with Grammy nominated trumpeteer extraordinaire, Ron King and his master musicians: the incomparable keyboardist, Andy Langham; amazing drummer, Ray Brinker; and brilliant bassist, Hamilton Price.

Music begins at 9 p.m. No cover. Kitchen closes at 10p. Arrive early for delectable, delicious, fine dining. The friendly staff and cozy ambience will relax your mind and boost your mood. You may even encounter the man/woman of your dreams as icing on the cake!

For an awesome happening at a hidden hideaway in Silver Lake, be sure to catch the last weekend of Show at Barre’s “For the Record: John Hughes.” Featuring songs, stories, and choreography based on Hughes’ films and performed by the talented and skillful “brat pack,” you’ll be blown away by the sheer intensity of the production. 

There is nothing on a par with this presentation in the city and you’ll wonder, “Am I really in LA?” It takes place at The Rockwell Table & Stage, 1714 N. Vermont. Discounted tickets are on Goldstar, yet it’s an incredible and astonishing evening at any cost.

You’ll rock out in your seat, sing along, dance in the aisles, while surrounded by an enthusiastic and captivated SRO audience. Playing endearing characters from classics, e.g., Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Weird Science, the Brat Pack will entertain you and you’ll be smiling from head to toe, laughing out loud.

With hits from the '80s, e.g. Changes, Don’t You (Forget About Me), Bust a Move, I’m So Excited, Twist and Shout, and Oh Yeah, you’ll join in bringing the house down, leaving exhilarated, content, and worriless. It’s the perfect antidote for the current period of turmoil and unrest.

Owing to popular demand, dates have been extended as follows: Thursday-Saturday, Sept. 20 and 22 and 27 to 29 at 9 p.m. and Sunday Sept. 23 at 8 p.m. 

mae barbara weissberger September 17, 2012 at 11:34 PM
Debra, L'Shana Tova. Happy healthy year. Love reading your work. Hope to be there at the oyster house. Mickey, my amazing wonderful loving companion,y dog, passed away a few weeks ago. Wow talking about getting real. Whew. I'm crying, laughing out loud and prettby much taking care the best I can. Funny, my ex fiance and I are amazing friends today and


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