Like most of you I am spending the day with friends, eating hamburgers, swimming and waiting for the sun to go down so I can watch the dogs freak the f@!k out while loud popping noises go off for 30 minutes.
Last year my dog literally crapped himself every time a firework went off.
I'm also, most likely, sunburned to the core despite the layers of sunscreen I've applied (which, of course, I've no doubt gotten in my eye and it has caused uncontrollable watering for hours).
I'm sure by now I've eaten way too much and have said at least one inappropriate joke that has offended the one person in the room who doesn't know me and now I'm obsessing over how to get that person to like me.
I might even have gotten my monthly womanly thing because my timing is that good.
Ah, the holidays.
I truly hope you are all having a great one. Please be safe. Drive carefully. Wear a condom. Or not (if you're trying to have a baby what better night to conceive than Independence Day—after all, it's the last day you'll be independent if it works!)
Happy Birthday, America! And I will be back next Monday with my regular column.
