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Single in Studio City: When Enough is Enough

Are you in a roller coaster relationship unable to break away after numerous attempts? Do your efforts to extricate yourself from an on again off again romance produce little success?

Have you worked yourself into such a frenzy that you aren’t eating/sleeping properly or functioning effectively at work? Do you find you lack the energy to socialize or perform daily tasks as all your spare time is spent obsessing about how to get your possibility to commit?

Are you glum and lackluster when you’re apart, exhilarated and elated when you’re together? If you haven’t spoken with your sweetheart for a while, are you devastated, feeling like the world will end?  

Do you ignore avowals of not wanting to be monogamous, tie the knot, or have children? Are you in denial, pretending you haven’t heard what’s been said, wishing and hoping you’ll change his/her mind?

Have you forgotten that people don’t transform unless the motivation comes from within, accompanied by a major revelation and unrelenting conduct modification?   

Are you constantly told by friends that you’re foolish for going back once again? Do they indicate you haven’t been ‘yourself’ since you’ve been with the purported man/woman of your dreams? Are they rightly concerned about your health, safety, and welfare?

Do you tend to fall ‘madly’ in love, literally feeling ‘crazy,’ forgetting who you are, giving up your authentic ‘self’ to please your intended? Is your partner’s pleasure and well being a priority to the detriment of your own happiness, comfort, and joy?

Are those closest to you sick of listening to the same sob story ad infinitum?  Have they expressed that they’re fed up and ready to curtail contact unless you let go of your toxic union? Frustrated that their advice has gone in one ear and out the other, do they encourage you to seek outside help? 

Have you habitually put up with behaviors you’d never imagine tolerating in a million years, e.g. infidelity, physical/sexual abuse, verbal denigration, emotional/mental humiliation? Do you allow yourself to be treated like a second class citizen, maid, hooker, peon, flunky?

Are you convinced no one else will ever fancy you, so you settle for breadcrumbs? Is your esteem exceptionally low, causing you to believe you’ll be alone the rest of your life if you terminate this association?

Do you have selective amnesia, i.e. remembering only the good things your partner’s done, choosing to ignore the most horrific experiences? Have you disregarded reminders from confidantes of the appalling and mortifying episodes they’ve witnessed?

One way to cure such repudiation is to make a list of all the negative qualities and inexcusable occurrences. Post it where you can view it often, i.e. on your bathroom mirror, by your computer, in your car. Read it frequently, especially when you want to initiate communication with your dearest.

Another method is to refrain from contact for a 24 hour period, recognizing you can do something for a day that you couldn’t conceive of doing if you knew it was forever.  

Use your support team, this column, and affirmations to recollect that you deserve to be treated honorably and respectfully, with reverence and admiration.

If you find yourself teetering between personal preferences and satisfying your sweetheart, it’s a sign that more inner work is necessary. When he/she is more important than you are to yourself, it means there’s trouble in paradise, with a capital T.

For many, separation anxiety stems from deeper underlying childhood and/or dependency issues. Your confidence level and sense of worth is directly proportionate to achieving a thriving affectionate involvement. Notwithstanding, you never seem to get enough devotion and dedication to compensate for and fill the extreme emptiness that prevails.

These scenarios are due to the fact that in order to be lasting and beneficial, fundamental nurturing has to originate internally. That way it isn’t affected by the ebb and flow of outer circumstances and is available upon need.

Breaking up isn’t easy particularly during the cold winter months (yes even right here in Studio City, the temperature’s recently dropped to 37 degrees) when you crave the warmth and gratification of snuggling up with an amorous companion. Take into account, however, that if this alliance was propitious, there wouldn’t be so much struggle, stress, and anguish. 

Often it’s not the most recent lover that you’re pining over, but the idea of having a tender convivial body next to you at night. You long for the touch of that special someone convinced a perfect link will heal your loneliness and make you whole. You hunger after the familiarity and ease of being with a babe who gets you.   

Rest assured that the strong passion you’ve displayed in this latest bonding, doesn’t disappear with the object of your desire. It came from inside of you and remains there. You can access it whenever you choose.

Saying you miss being “in love,” means you wish you were still in sync with the competent, capable, sensitive, beautiful, creative, radiant, inspirational, and ardent parts of you. The ability to reach those elements lies within. No one can pilfer them. You’ve revealed them in the past and can opt to again as soon as you’re willing.      

Check to be sure your posture isn’t more serious than just feeling lovesick or broken hearted. If actions toward yourself and/or others become harmful and severe, they can be life threatening. In this case, the condition has developed into what professionals label a ‘love addiction.’

Will you hit bottom before irreparable damage is done to either of the contributing parties? What will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back? When will you cease partaking in the dance of death?  

If you’ve crossed the line and/or any of the above hits home, please seek a specialist in the field and attend support groups geared to addressing these concerns.

When getting out of a noxious association is arduous, consider the old adage, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; fool me three times and I’ll put you out of the house like a bad dog.”  

Singles Slogan for Today: I’m loveable and valuable simply because I’m me. Five things I appreciate about myself are:__________________________________________________________.

To soothe your heart and mind, meet and greet the friendliest folks in town, and enjoy live music with no cover in intimate surroundings, visit the Oyster House this Monday night the 23rd, from 10p-1am, where the amazingly talented Mark Towns Latin Jazz group will appear. 

Additionally on Saturday the 28th from 10p-2a, savor the incomparable vocalist Cathy Segal-Garcia with gifted guests performing standards and originals. You’re sure to leave uplifted, spirited, and moved by the magic of the sounds that will permeate your soul. For incredible scrumptious cuisine and reasonable prices, arrive early. The kitchen closes Monday at 10p, Saturday at 11pm.

Mary McGrath January 22, 2012 at 06:41 PM
I was in a very volatile relationship for 5 years before I met my current partner. It was hard to get out of the destructive cycle. Some people just don't mesh. Glad I finally moved on and now we're celebrating 20 years together...Yahoo!
Serenity Daily January 23, 2012 at 04:30 AM
Try reading LOVE ADDICT: SEX, ROMANCE AND OTHER DANGEROUS DRUGS by Ethlie Ann Vare (HCI Books, 2011). If it doesn't bring you recovery, it will at least help you laugh at yourself.. and know you're not alone.

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