(EDITOR'S NOTE: YOU are invited to a Maxwell Dog birthday party for Heidi on May 6, Sunday, from 2 to 4 p.m. See attached flyer.)
I am not sure a dog has ever reviewed a movie, but it’s me, Heidi, and I’m doing it because there is a dog like me in this movie, it’s called Darling Companion, opening today! You should want to know my opinion because I am a dog, a companion and also darling.
I am doing this my own self, but I asked Diane for some hints on how because she used to review movies for the Detroit Free Press, a big newspaper they have in that city where’s she’s from. She told me first of all that I should stop using so many exclamation points even though I love them; they feel like wagging my tail in print! (Oops, there goes one, and my tail too).
She also told me my review should be about the movie, not all the fun stuff that happened to me at the premiere screening I went to Wednesday night at the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood. (I went there once before for the the famous dog from The Artist). She also said I shouldn’t tell what happens at the end, and I should say what I really think and not “kiss ass” just because everyone there was famous and nice to me. But honest, for us dogs that’s just how we say hello.
And I think you would like to know that I went to the premiere reception and red carpet event outside the theater, where they had rescue dogs like me up for adoption. People kept asking if they could adopt me, and Diane had to tell them no, I was already hers plus a working dog reviewing the movie. I got very close to someone’s hot dog, and almost got my nose into someone’s drink but not quite. I shook hands with nice peoples and one Hollywood-type people said about me: “I love her energy.”
It was kind of harder for me to get inside the theater, even with my energy. There was a man people with dreadlocks who said no dogs in the theater at first. Then we explained we had permission and official peoples ran around trying to fix it and finally I got in, as long as I didn’t sit on the seats again after the first time.
And the place I got to sit on the floor was perfect because all the celebrities passed by me on the way to the stage to stand with the director, Mr. Lawrence Kasdan, before it got dark for the movie. Guess what, I talked for a long time to his wife Meg who helped to write the movie even though I didn’t know she was Mrs. Director and she didn’t know who I was either. And Kevin Kline and Diane Keaton and other actors petted me when they went by. Some staff–type people whispered to me: “I like seeing you more than the celebrities.” I miss my exclamation points in this paragraph.
Also on the way by, the dog in the movie kissed my ass like peoples do in Hollywood and dogs do everywhere. It was really fast, too fast to get a picture, but he liked me. I don’t know whether it was Kasey, the multi-colored collie mix who stars in the movie, or his understudy Kuma. Two dogs played one dog I guess. I am writing this by myself. But this reminds me to review the movie, not just talk about the party and the screening and this new TV series I just heard of called Dog With A Blog from Disney where they should hire me as a writer because I bet they have no dogs on the writing staff and that would help a lot.
OK. In the movie, Kevin Kline and Diane Keaton are married peoples with lots of money so they have a second home, but they are always kind of mad at each other because he is a surgeon and his cell phone keeps ringing and she doesn’t really have anything to do. While she is driving out in the snow and the mountains, Diane Keaton finds a lost dog and names him Freeway after where she found him. Freeway is based on the director and Mrs. Director’s real rescue dog. If my peoples named me after where I was found
But then Kevin Kline, who doesn’t care as much about the dog as Diane Keaton, takes Freeway out for a walk and loses him! Then the whole movie is about trying to find him. So it’s about how in the process of looking for a dog, these peoples find themselves. My Diane not Keaton said on the way home that somebody probably said something like that about the movie in some “pitch meeting” so I think so too.
But the problem is that the dog, who was excellent and very believable, was lost through most of the movie. I liked it when he was barking since I understood, but got bored with the peoples fighting and crying and worrying and making up. I thought the better story would have been to follow the dog when he ran away after that deer and find out why he didn’t come back to Kevin Kline and where he went and who he met and what he ate. I like meat.
So that is my review. I agree with Diane Keaton when she said to the movie dog: “What kind of asshole left you by the freeway?” Don’t do that to dogs. Take them home in the car. And even though I had some problems with why the dog wasn’t in the whole movie, I am giving it four paws up, that’s all I have, because I found out I really like going to Hollywood screenings and meeting movie stars and kissing ass and maybe they’ll invite me back someday.