The Singles Stigma

Do you consider yourself inadequate and incomplete because you’re not part of a couple? Do you feel like something is wrong with you, like a piece is missing? Does your inner critic tell you you’re a failure?

Do you believe women are defined by the men they’re with, that they need a man to take care of them, even if they have lucrative careers? Is the premise, "behind every accomplished man there’s a great woman," a myth?

Do invitations marked "plus one" send you in a tizzy about showing up alone? When you go sans partner to an event, do you feel judged? Is the focus on whether you’re dating, if it’s serious, and/or when you’re getting married? Do your parents/family members keep hounding you for a wedding?

Do your friends in relationships spend less time with you? Are they jealous of your interactions with their significant other? Do they label you provocative, loose, or even immoral?

Is it still taboo to attend a movie or dine alone at a fine restaurant? Why aren’t there "tables for one," leaving singles to sit only at counters? 

Why aren’t there more discounts/incentives for singles? Even the government discriminates e.g. single vs. married health insurance and tax benefits.

In days of yore, an unmarried woman over 30 was deemed an “old maid.” I remember as a young girl, my mother spoke of my single aunts with such disdain and pity, I thought they had some sort of disease and vowed never to become like them. Thinking back, I wonder whether they were actually sad and unhappy or might’ve been perfectly content with their lives.

In the acclaimed 2010 film Another Year director/writer Mike Nichols depicts an unmarried woman over 40 as desperate and depressed. Oprah characterized unmarried men over 50 as emotionally unavailable.

Jennifer Aniston was recently on the cover of People, saying she’s happily single. One reader questioned Aniston’s veracity, inferring it’s impossible to be joyfully unmarried and that Aniston doesn’t deserve to be on the cover until she does “something newsworthy, like getting married.” Maybe we haven’t come very far after all.

Research tells us unmarried men die much earlier than married men. Unmarried women fare better mostly because of their strong female support system and ease at sharing their feelings with close girlfriends, while men generally have a harder time communicating their emotions to other males.

There’s so much pressure to find someone to be with, we end up settling, or staying too long in unhealthy relationships, just to appease society and avoid the singles stigma. Stay tuned for more on this topic.

Singles Slogan for Today:  I’m extraordinary, sublime, magnificent, special, and enough on my own. Five loving behaviors I did today for myself are:____________________________________________________________. (may be as simple as reading this column, showing up for work, treating yourself to a massage)